Not many of us remember Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known and one of the great humorists of all time. He also famously said (during the great depression) "We are the only nation in the history of the world to go to the poorhouse in an automobile," and "Legislatures are kind of like animals in a zoo. You can't do anything about them. All you can do is stand there and watch them." Will said - "Never squat while wearing your spurs" "Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco"
"Never kick a cow chip on a hot day"
"There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works."
"Never miss a good chance to shut up"
"Always drink upstream from the herd"
"If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging"
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket"
"There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves."
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment"
"If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there"
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back"
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."
ABOUT GROWING OLDER... First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old
Copper Wire Story
After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California
archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock, TX, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."
Just makes you proud to live in (or be from) Texas, doesn't it?
Bar Stool Economics
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20, "declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Here are some fun things that you might only see in TexHAs
Hog Holster
A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, and his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your concealed weapon permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a damn thing..."
Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's cousin. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day around a curve. Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot
Why Texas Electricians are so expensive
A Energy lineman in Zapata came across this the other day while checking a meter.
The bullsnake had climbed up through the knockout hole and was after a mouse.
Radar - Texas Style
Texas Riding Lawnmower
Cowboy Stretch Limo
Mom Saves Child
Texas Border Patrol
TEXAS HAS IT ALL Feeling a little Down? - Why not Visit Smiley , Texas 78159 Paradise , Texas 76073 Rainbow , Texas 76077 Sweet Home , Texas 77987 Comfort , Texas 78013 Friendship, Texas 76530
Love the Sun? Sun City , Texas 78628 Sunrise , Texas 76661 Sunset, Texas 76270 Sundown, Texas 79372 Sunray , Texas 79086 Sunny Side , Texas 77423
Want something to eat? Bacon , Texas 76301 Noodle , Texas 79536 Oatmeal , Texas 78605 Turkey , Texas 79261 Trout , Texas 75789 Sugar Land , Texas 77479 Salty, Texas 76567 Rice , Texas 75155 Pearland , Texas 77581 Orange , Texas 77630 And top it off with: Sweetwater , Texas 79556
Why travel to other states? Texas has them all! Detroit , Texas 75436 Cleveland , Texas 75436 Colorado City , Texas 79512 Denver City , Texas 79323 Klondike , Texas 75448 Nevada , Texas 75173 Memphis , Texas 79245 Miami , Texas 79059 Boston , Texas 75570 Santa Fe , Texas 77517 Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861 Reno , Texas 75462 Pasadena , Texas 77506 Columbus , Texas 78934
Feel like traveling outside The country? Athens , Texas 75751 Canadian, Texas 79014 China , Texas 77613 Egypt , Texas 77436 Ireland , Texas 76538 Italy , Texas 76538 Turkey , Texas 79261 London , Texas 76854 New London , Texas 75682 Paris , Texas 75460 Palestine , Texas 75801
No need to travel to Washington D.C. Whitehouse , Texas 75791
We have a city named after our state Texas City, Texas 77590
Exhausted? Energy , Texas 76452 Pep , Texas 79353
Cold? Blanket , Texas 76432 Winters, Texas
Like to read about History? Santa Anna , Texas Goliad , Texas Alamo , Texas Gun Barrel City , Texas Robert Lee , Texas
Need Office Supplies? Staples, Texas 78670
Want to go into outer space? Venus , Texas 76084 Mars , Texas 79062
Or return to our planet! Earth , Texas 79031
You guessed it. It's on the state line. Texline , Texas 79087
And our favorites.... Cut n Shoot, Texas Gun Barrell City , Texas Hoop And Holler, Texas Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, Muleshoe , Texas
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly, you may live in Texas;
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas...
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas . 1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles 2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles 3. El Paso is closer to the West Coast than it is to Texarkana, and Texarkana is closer to the East Coast than it is to El Paso. 4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883. 5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike-2008. 6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston. 7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America. 8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes. 9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978. 10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island. 11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was " Houston ," but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time. 12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .... 13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979. 14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (The Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and provides that Texas may divide into 5 states. 15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old. 16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state. 17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper. 18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin. 19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet). 20. The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument. 21. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas. 22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females). 23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
Cowboy's Ten Commandments
posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas: (1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. (7) No killin'. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
